Friendship and Philosophy
For many in today’s society friendships can be difficult to maintain. The challenges of work, family and intimate relationships can overshadow our commitments of friendship, yet Ancient Greek philosophy has great veneration for friendships, affirming our true friendships can be some of the most enduring and rewarding relationships of our lives.
Aristotle, arguably the greatest Philosopher of Antiquity, while exploring friendship states in the Nicomachean Ethics,
‘It is those who desire the good of their friends for their friends’ sake that are most truly friends, because each loves the other for what he is, and not for any incidental quality.’
In this article I will explore that statement from my personal perspective and including my observations of the modern world, seeking to discover if its message still applies over two millennia later.
Loving Friends for Their Sake
In the first part of the statement above Aristotle is pointing to a virtue that defines the essence of true friendship, a genuine desire to see a friend prosper and prosper for their own sake. In contemplating this statement, I feel there is a virtue that reminds me of the loving quality that a parent may feel toward their child, wanting the best of life for their offspring and taking a pride in sharing their successes. For the loving parent their sacrifices are rewarded with the joy of seeing the object of their devotion blossom.
Yet, in friendship too this loving quality can be felt and in some ways is more admirable when blood is not the binding tie but affection. These thoughts point to the true meaning of familiarity that can be realised within a close friendship, the feeling of family, familial affection toward another. This feeling and the general celebration of a friend are, for Aristotle, indications for true friendship.
Seeing the Virtue of a Friends Character
In the second part of the statement Aristotle is pointing to what is loved in a true friend – what he is, and not an ‘incidental’ quality. Knowing a person’s character, knowing who a person is inevitably takes time and a mutual investment of this precious resource. Later in the Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle states that one of the defining features of a true friendship is time spent together.
It can often seem in our modern lives that friendship can appear demanding upon time. The multiple demands upon our schedule may limit the time we spend in person. As our lives evolve, we can quickly find that an intention to call a friend has gone unrealised for months, even years. We may tell ourselves we are in contact by substituting the intimacy of quality time together with modern technologies such as social media posts, or in former days, birthday cards. Yet these methods may offer ease of communication while being evidence of our reduced investment.
Also, these technologies may expose us to a veneer of our friend’s lives perverting a genuine knowledge of their felt experiences. Insidiously, our perception of these curated images may arouse insecurity, if through our awareness of our own imperfections and disappointments, we find ourselves negatively comparing our lives with these displays. Subtle feelings of resentment may penetrate our mind and we begin to judge others, ridiculing their sense of style, scouring their faces and bodies for evidence of aging, or even grosser defects, if only secretly. Yet we are judging superficial qualities of beauty or ugliness, success or failure, that may or may not be affording the possessors of these qualities with happiness or be providing evidence of their virtue. We are attending to these friendships for their ‘incidental qualities’ as opposed to who these people are within themselves.
Aristotle is stating that true friendship comes with a deeper knowing and relationship than many technologies can offer, a deep understanding of another person as they are, empathy for their needs and desires, an insight into their nature. For these qualities to be observed and cultivated time is required, time to share ourselves and develop a familiarity with each other.
Invest in Those Who Deserve You
In my reading, Aristotle is urging us to value our friends in knowing who our true friends are. Celebrating their virtue and delighting in the good character that we have taken the effort to become familiar with. Yet he acknowledges the reality that friendships require time and investment to deepen.
However, when offered to people who we have come to decern as our true friends our investments can pay a handsome return for your friends, as well as yourself.
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