Neil Horsewell Counselling

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  • Mental Health

    I want to use this article to examine the concept of mental health. As a professional counsellor I am tasked with aiding its cultivation, yet in my estimation the concept is not as clear as it may seem. I estimate that mental health is defined by most as a kind of general state of psychological stability that also includes accompanying behaviours that cause little distress of oneself and others. A socially accepted condition that is called psychologically healthy, well adjusted, normal.

    However, upon consideration of what constitutes mental health I am minded to consider the statement of a venerated spiritual teacher from the 20th Century, Krishnamurti, who said:

    ‘It is no sign of psychological health to be well adjusted to an insane society.’

    It should come as no surprise to anyone that in repeating the words of Krishnamurti that I am implying that society, the modern westernised society, is somewhat insane. As a result, I implicitly suggest that being accepted as mentally healthy in this society does not guarantee the achievement.

    The claim society and its current manifestation is dysfunctional is clear to all who pay the slightest attention to the news or simply listen to the plight of the average colleague, friend or neighbour. With little investigation they will generally find a deep disturbance of mind, relationship or circumstance that would indicate a dysfunction for almost all they care to examine. Medications to treat depression and anxiety are commonplace, while the abuse of alcohol or other drugs are equally prevalent. In the realm of the personal, marriages fail, suicide is a leading killer of many in society and numerous other metrics indicate all is not well. The wider societal madness is so endemic it barely causes a register of concern, yet multiple apocalyptic monsters arrest us at every turn from nuclear Armageddon to new threats of climate disaster or manmade killer viruses to name a few potential global terrors. I accept this is a pessimistic view, but it is not without justification. I must admit that on occasion it is a wonder to me that anyone remains functional let alone mentally well.

    Happiness?

    To repeat, as a counsellor the formulation of and accurate definition of mental health is not without consequence. I have invested my career in aiding people in the task of becoming mentally well. So naturally it is imperative for me to have a grasp of what such a state constitutes.

    Upon further investigation, I believe that what most people identify to be mentally well is another description of a more universally understood concept, happiness. I suggest that mental wellbeing is the more nuanced and sustainable definition of happiness, yet this is still a rather vague term. The state of happiness appears represented in much of the media. Smiling faces in good states of health fill scrolling media images. The pages of social media often curate the good times of life, moments of joy and happiness. Peak moments of pleasure that are desirous. But the reality that these images often ignore is that life is inescapably full of suffering. For instance, the pain of birth is the consequence of the joy of sex and death is the only certainty once life is under way. For me happiness as an indication of mental health excludes suffering as normal and essential to the conditions of life.

    Psychological definition

    The psychology profession may offer a more precise investigation. I will postulate that there is an implicit assumption in psychology that mental health is the absence of mental ill-health because much of what is examined in psychology is dysfunction. Mental ill-health is diagnosed, and the most accepted current source of diagnosis would be the DSM-V. Yet it must be observed that just as the number and scope of diagnosis appears to grow with each new addition of the DSM so does the number of sick members of the population. Once again, we return to the evidence of a sick and insane society as the norm. I am drawn to conclude with pessimism that the dire current social circumstances stated earlier are being reflected in the diagnosis of the troubles of the populace.

    However, I speculate that if happiness and well-being become the implicit defining objectives of psychological health then there is a danger that their inverse states unhappiness, distress and so on become pathologized as psychological ill-health. The populace in seeking comfort from the psychological profession may add to their own propensity for diagnosis. I consider that much of the tendency toward diagnoses, particularly in areas of spectrum diagnosis, result as a natural conclusion of having a high and mostly illusory standard for mental well-being. I am more prone in my own practice to offer what I consider a more compassionate and forgiving judgement – that periods of mental distress or at least significant dissatisfaction, are normal and no definitive sign of ill-health.

    With this claim for a lower standard of normalcy in the definition of mental health, I am aware that a low expectation of mental wellness could undermine much of the therapeutic field. To some degree I feel that this would be a good thing. A revised approach taking what is considered pathology back into the realm of the normal, at least within the dominant social setting. Yet people still will justifiably seek solace from pain, and I also believe the therapeutic field has lots to offer in providing genuine resolutions.

    Integration of suffering

    With these thoughts in mind, I turn to the religions for solace and guidance. Many world religions and those of which I am most familiar consider that human condition from a pessimistic view. Christianity considered the human condition a fallen state, birthed in original sin granted, but universally prescribed and universally shared. Buddhism considers the world to be Maya, an illusionary world of suffering and torment from which the Buddhist path offers an escape through the awakened state. These religions normalize suffering while also prescribing a cure.

    It is my opinion that modern therapeutic professions need to adopt a similar stance to religions. I am pointing to the value inherent in a pessimistic view of reality because this normalizes unhappiness and suffering while also prescribing cures. Not quick fix cures but those born of wisdom and research that point to better strategies for living and relating that can, with reasonable expectation offer a more fulfilling life and greater resilience against the inevitable troubles that life brings. The normalcy of problems offers each of us a greater capacity to bear our sufferings as part of the shared state of humanity.

    In this acceptance of the suffering in the human condition I am also advocating for the normalcy of the therapeutic professions. Not only is this good for business, but with the retreat of religions I believe the industry of professionally trained individuals is required to fill the gap vacated for many by religion. My attitude is that it is efficient to have an economy of people devoted to the task of the cultivation and maintenance of mental health, that illusive and amorphous term, to aid in resisting the pull of suffering that is the natural condition of much of human life. I conclude by advocating the normalizing of suffering as part of being mentally healthy and the normalizing of therapy in consequence.

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  • Repetition Compulsion

    There is an intriguing and yet frustrating observation of human behaviour that Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, called ‘Repetition Compulsion’. Repetition compulsion can be defined as the apparently automatic behaviour that causes people to find themselves in situations that are a repetition of former experiences. This is particularly evident in the common occurrence of recreating childhood family dynamics in our adult lives. It is not uncommon for us to realise that in many ways we have chosen a partner, husband or wife, who is a mirror of a parent. While in our professional lives we may find ourselves in job roles that reflect the structure of our family of origin.

    The analysis of the repetition compulsion makes up part of the observations of Sigmund Freud that led to his formulation of the unconscious mind. The unconscious mind is by definition a part of our psyche that functions without conscious awareness and this in fact is the greater part of our psyche. Much of what we consider to be ourselves is unconscious, a formulation of impressions and instinctual drives that form the foundation of our psychic structure and personality. To a large extent we are a mystery to ourselves and hidden within that mystery are some forces that effectively dictate our behaviour. This is a wonderful process when we can undertake complex actions such as driving a car while listening to our favourite podcast, yet when these unconscious processes cause us to recreate traumatic events, we can feel less gratitude for the parts of ourselves that appear outside our awareness and control.

    This pattern is most alarming to those of us whose childhoods were traumatic or abusive. To find ourselves replaying roles within a dysfunctional family system that we may have tried desperately to escape appears unfortunate at best, if not a hideous curse at worst. Simply due to our original conditions we are instinctively drawn to situations and people that feel familiar to our original circumstances. Yet if those origins were dysfunctional there is the potential to recreate situations in which the same dysfunctions occur. Then we simply repeat our original trauma in a new form exacerbating the consequences of the original trauma.

    When unfortunate situations are repeated there is a natural tendency to feel life is somewhat hopeless and predetermined, yet is there a way of approaching these cycles in a productive manner and foster change?

    Are You Trying to Teach Yourself Something?

    One possibility to aid change is to see the repetition compulsion as essentially an unconscious desire to experience the opposite outcome of the original trauma. An unconscious drive to heal and resolve an inner conflict caused by trauma. Is it possible that in recreating a trauma we hope to find a resolution freeing us from a broken cycle that may have been repeating for many generations?

    A classic example of this dynamic could be the female attraction to the ‘Philanderer’. A woman can commonly be attracted to such a character as she is seduced by the lavishing of attention that she receives during the seduction. Yet often the woman discovers that the consuming attention is not limited to her alone. Infidelity eventually emerges that threatens the perceived harmony. However, the woman may be unaware that unconsciously this is exactly what she was seeking, the opportunity to secure such a man. Through her feminine charm she hopes to capture this man and turn him from the rogue into her prince. To prove to herself that she is good enough to secure his love and transform him into her ideal.

    Such dynamics can often be born in childhood due to an inconsistent father who was unable to provide a secure bond for the young girl. As such she developed an adaptation that through being a devoted and attractive girl, she could secure the attention she required. The adaptation is to be attractive enough to win her father’s attention then her needs for his affection could be met. In adulthood this same approach of seduction to secure a relationship perpetuates toward unavailable men rarely with the woman’s desired outcome. If she then has a child with the man, potentially on hope of securing him, her children may subsequently fall into the cycle of having an absent and inconsistent father.

    The painful truth here is that there is a trauma of an inconsistent parent that creates insecurity in the child. The child is attempting to meet the need of feeling security in the relationship but ultimately unable to do so, and as such an inner conflict develops. The inner conflict of not being able to feel she is good enough to receive the love she needs. This painful feeling may be repressed out of awareness into the unconscious of the child, as it is too terrifying to accept that she is the cause of the failure to feel loved. Yet a feeling of lack and insufficiency remains, that in adulthood is soothed in the initial stage of a relationship when Prince Charming looks her way.

    An important point to note here is the power of feelings in our decisions. It can commonly be observed that we often use reason and logic to justify our feelings. This statement points to the power of the unconscious in our lives and how it generally overwhelms our conscious reasoning. The unconscious speaks to us in the language of feelings. Feelings succinctly inform our conscious awareness to the wealth of experience and wisdom within the unconscious mind. Yet when under the sway of traumatic experiences, the feelings associated with our current perceptions are liable to be informed with traumatic memory. This is where the root of repetition compulsion arises, as situations consistent with a past trauma are felt as familiar and even attractive rather than reasoned as problematic, undesirable or dangerous.

    In the example above the woman may tell herself that she has met the man of her dreams, ignoring the initial signs of inconsistency or deception. Or through experience she may be well aware of the potential problems within a given seduction, but she allows emotion to quickly dictate her behaviour. She reasons after all better to have little of something than all of nothing, right?

    Repetition Interruption

    In essence the issue here is the very behaviours that we create to manage a challenging situation can recreate the situation elsewhere or further on in our lives. These basic dynamics constitute a cycle.

    ‘The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and again and expecting different results’

    Albert Einstein

    I have made the case in this article that repetition compulsion is dominated by drives that recreate situations within our lives that are familiar and therefore we are drawn to them for better or worse. We are creatures of habit and generally seek comfort and stasis. It is human nature. However, within human nature there is also emotional pain. Pain is an alarm that disturbs our comfort and when we are suffering a repetition of a traumatic situation, we will experience pain.

    When finding ourselves compulsively repeating a dysfunctional cycle we could ask, ‘Have we suffered enough?’ Because painful though it is, it is worth considering if you have suffered enough, you may also have found the motivation to create the change you need.

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  • Dopamine

    Neuroscience as a melody and the body as the orchestra

    Over time study of the brain has progressed with developments in technology to study brain function giving us a science of the brain, Neuroscience. Developments within the field of Neuroscience has provided tantalising insights into the physical and chemical functions of the brain. Associated with these insights, treatments that can assist some people with chronic conditions or offer some relief from difficult psychological states have developed.

    Within this field several core neurochemical pathways have been identified in being instrumental to certain motivational states. To offer a vastly oversimplified model, four neurochemicals Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin and Endorphins relate to Reward, Love, Mood and Pain Relief respectively. In this article, I will explore Dopamine and its relationship with Reward.

    The Carrot

    With his work Awakenings, Oliver Sacks, an eminent Neuroscientist, recorded several case studies in which a chemical substitute for dopamine, L-Dopa was administered to a number of patients with Parkinsons, an extremely degenerative disorder of brain function. The observations from these treatments offer a diverse and intriguing record of how neurochemical pathways in brain function are involved in behaviour, motivation and conscious experience.

    Although the observations of the impact of L-Dopa were varied, for the purpose of this essay it was observed that changes in neurochemicals created behavioural changes that could ‘Awaken’ a patient from catatonia, a sleep like state of zombification. In Awakenings, Sacks states

    ‘..the awakened patient turns to the world, no longer occupied and preoccupied by his sickness. He turns an eager and ardent attention on the world, a loving and joyous and innocent attention, the more so because he has been so long cut-off, or ‘asleep’.’

    For those of us who are fortunate enough to not have to deal with Parkinsonian symptoms these observations can point toward the value of understanding how our brains function. The awakening caused by a change in dopamine like neurochemicals, is one of greater engagement with the world. There is a sense of moving from dysfunction to health with an accompanying movement, from self-involvement toward outward facing attention to life. Such observations can assist us in trying to lead more fulfilling lives, and suggest strategies related to Dopamine function that may improve our own motivation to act and engage with the world.

    Facing outward by discipline inward

    Some years ago, I elected to run a half-marathon and after a number of months of training, I was in relatively good shape to complete the race. However, as yet I had never run such a distance. The day started threateningly as the weather had turned to provide an unseasonably cold October morning. I found myself beset by feelings of resistance as I considered braving the cold and having to wait in line before the race began. In my mind I conceived two outcomes, one in which I refused the challenge and remained home. I considered the disappointment and shame I may feel in light of the temporary relief from the pain of the cold. In opposition to this negative vision, I considered passing the finish line and returning home with the feeling of pride and satisfaction of the achievement. In the light of such contemplation there was no contest, and I left the comfort of home to undertake the race.

    This points me to the first aspect of the psychological reward system, the apprehension of a goal fulfilled. Without the conception of a goal, we are liable to be in a state of reactivity to our circumstances that is likely to induce us to seek homeostasis and security. We turn inward to ourselves and seek to minimise our engagement with the world that can soon appear hostile, threatening our security and comfort. Yet with a compelling goal the world is the arena in which our goal can be realised. A place of challenges, yes but also opportunity. Reward and adventure. The goal shifts our focus from obstruction to opportunity, from captivity to captivating.

    ‘A journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step.’

    The adage above is a much-sited quotation that offers an insight into a second important aspect of achieving, focus upon the individual actions within themselves. In Awakenings, Oliver Sacks describes the patients prior to their treatments often locked in a catatonia unable to take a single step. This extreme condition is a reflection of a sickened motivational response, in which any action is prevented even in its initiation. Yet all achievements big or small require small consistent and appropriate actions.

    To this end our brains contain a valuable reward system that allows a greater achievement to be experienced, as an evolving journey with consistent rewards. Within my Half-marathon I experienced a relatively direct sense of a consistent reward process, that mirrors how such rewards function. Throughout the race I naturally felt my energy levels fluctuate and as the latter stages approached, I felt an ever-greater sense of exhaustion and fatigue. Yet as I passed each mile marker, I gained a sense of completion with a brief burst of pleasure that allowed me to stay motivated and encouraged. Toward the end of the race, smiling angels in the guise of stewards, offered water and sweets to assist me in the task. Although the glucose was instrumental in the value of these rewards, I also suspect that a degree of dopamine was at work, as I felt encouraged by the support provided both physically and psychologically.

    In essence, I am alluding to the rewards associated with the individual steps taken toward achieving my goal. Highlighting how milestones, pit-stops and my recognition of progress along the way supported me in remaining motivated, engaged and consistent throughout the process. Underlying these experiences are feelings, positive rewards that provide a conscious experience of eager engagement with my chosen task.

    Life as an adventure

    To conclude, I have attempted to utilise the example of my completion of a half-marathon to present some processes that assist psychologically with the fulfilment of a goal. I have postulated that there are dopamine neuropathways as a core mechanism that underlies the brain activity associated with the motivation in achieving such goals. I will provide a caveat that my representation is a vast oversimplification of the processes at work, yet the framework allows an introduction to considering brain function in motivation.

    The ability to clearly apprehend a goal allows us to envision a pathway of fulfilment. Adhering to this pathway can motivate us to undertake the individual tasks that are required to progress on the path. While, feeling consistent rewards as part of that progress allows us to enjoy the process. As such we can consider that it’s not only the final achievements that give our lives meaning, but also the unfolding experiences, successes and failures, that make up the process of fulfilment.

    With this in mind I urge you to consider investing in the power of your brain for motivation. It may serve you to invest the time to create an emotionally compelling vision for your future, and then conceive of the individual tasks that can make that vision a reality. Then act and enjoy the sweet rewards along the way, and the success at the finish line.

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  • The Body

    Person-centred therapy has a central focus upon the concept of ‘conditions of worth’. Conditions of worth are conditions that a person experiences as being necessary to feeling a sense of being of value. Regarding worth, in the past maturity has been seen as a period of veneration and power, yet in modern societies youth tends to be promoted as having greater value. Media often bathes in sexually charged images of youthful bodies. Sex sells. Yet to what extent will an ever-aging population feel a lack of worth in comparison to the youthful images around them?

    The aging process appears to have gotten a hold of me in recent times and I find that my appearance is now firmly in maturity. Upon my attention being drawn to this gradual process I must admit to being beset by a degree of anxiety. I felt this as an unexpected occurrence, as I have mostly appreciated my appearance over the years. I became conscious of the potential of conceiving of myself as ugly and old.

    I have been beset by these thoughts surprisingly suddenly and as I adapt to the associated feelings, I have made a conscious decision to recover a sense of appreciation for my body. In this article I will explore a few key aspects of the body and importantly body awareness, that for me, is a fundamental component to positive mental health.

    Breath

    Breath is the most immediate biological function that also has an interesting feature in that it is both a conscious and unconscious activity. Bringing focus to the breath and controlling how we breathe has been a yogic practice from time immemorial and remains one of the most important practices for relaxation.

    There are a number of breathing practices that are available, yet the simplest is to just be aware of a process that mostly goes unnoticed. The act of placing our attention upon our breath will often cause the breathing to slow and begin to induce relaxation into the body. This can reduce chronic stress and when practiced regularly throughout the day, can aid mental focus.

    Skin

    Our skin is our largest organ and the physical barrier between our bodies and the world. It has the mixed blessing of being both the source of some of our most intense pleasures, yet also excruciating pains. However, in between those extremes are a range of sensations that we may seldom neglect to experience. Touching the objects around us with our attention upon the sensations can be surprisingly rewarding, inviting us into the world of rough and smooth, cold, warm, moist and damp.

    Also, our skin is our point of contact with our fellow human beings and loved ones. Not just in sexuality is intimate touch a blessing, but also the warmth of platonic hugs and caress. It is of note that one of the most distressing aspects of loneliness can be loss of human touch. While also, losing openness to touch can be a tragic symptom of abuse and neglect. Receiving touch is proven to be one of the most essential experiences in reducing stress and is known to relieve shock following a traumatic experience.

    Sight

    Our skin is often the aspect of ourselves that appears to suffer most from the signs of aging. Wrinkles form around the eyes, the forehead shows lines like a road map of our most used expressions. Yet it is with our own eyes that we observe ourselves. Our faces appear to us like the most essential part of who we are, yet they change slowly but surely as we journey through time. Our bodies too are liable to suffer the judgemental gaze, failing to meet some expectation we have created for ourselves. However, we can choose to see our changing image with rejection and distain, or we can love what we see before us if we care to look with compassion and appreciation.

    The Body as a Temple

    In my opinion the most intimate physical relationship we will have is with our body. I hesitate to suggest that we are souls housed within our bodies, yet that is certainly a way our lived experience can be expressed. As such the home that is our body would be best served as a comfortable and functional one. Although we cannot depend upon having such a home throughout the course of our whole lives, I believe we serve ourselves well in aiming to value and preserve what we have while we have it.

    Our bodies are also a major source of our identity and often form part of our conditions of worth. In that sense we would be served well in accepting our changing appearance as a marker of years of life, valuing each season as it dawns upon us.

    Yet there is also an almost hidden secret in the appreciation of the body, in that it is a direct point of access to positive mental health too. Practices of caring for our bodies that involve conscious awareness of our inner sensations offer powerful ways of being in the present moment. This aids us mentally as much of the suffering that ails many of us is produced by thoughts in our imagination. Yogic practices affirm that focus on the body can prove an ever-accessible pathway to relief from mental strife. These practices can help relieve us of the conditions of worth we have for our bodies, allowing us to appreciate our bodies as sacred temples for the soul.

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  • Facebook Friends

    In continuation of my last article on friendship I will explore another aspect of relationship. I will seek to explore the value of ‘Facebook Friends’ or any connections that we have online, with a view to understanding the role of such connections and how to gain the most from their cultivation.

    I must profess my relative ignorance in this field. Until my most recent foray into social media, of which this blog is a part, I have largely rejected the use of social media. My reluctance to use social media was always primarily due to a matter of personal taste. I tend toward simplicity in all things, and I have always preferred to conduct my social affairs in person.

    However, this has often led to being outside the pail in this huge social change. I have largely had an outside perspective upon this development. Yet I see that at the root of this technological change human wants and needs remain consistent. The needs for attention, validation, support, and love remain essential to human well-being. Now a new and powerful form of technology plays a role in meeting those needs to varying degrees of success.

    The Pleasure of Performance

    In my view one thing social media offers us is something highly seductive, an audience. I am not ignorant of the irony of that statement as I type these words. I am aware that I am seeking my own audience, hopeful of some reception. I believe that my motive is good, offering utility for a wider audience. Sharing my knowledge and experience in the field of psychology. Becoming a ‘content creator’.

    However, I suspect the interaction between a content creator and their audience is not without risks. The two have a relationship in which both are influenced. The creator is influencing their audience with their opinions, expressions and performances. While the audience is influencing the creator with their reception. On social media platforms this is expressed in subscriptions and followings, likes and comments, guiding the creator to what is desired and preferred by the audience.

    In ancient Greece one expression of this interplay between creator and audience was developed in the art form of theatre. A part of that art form was a mask that was called the ‘Persona’. This mask was worn by the actor to influence the audience upon how to receive their character. With heroes the mask was of noble form, with villains the mask appeared monstrous.

    This development of the persona in theatre was used in Psychology to describe an aspect of ourselves outside the theatrical. Carl Jung, the eminent Psychotherapist outlined a wide psychological theory, and used the concept of the persona to describe this aspect of the psyche thus:

    ‘The persona is that which in reality one is not, but which oneself as well as others think one is.’

    In my role as a counsellor, I come with a degree of persona in the form of my role. That role is an aspect of who I am but not the entirety. It is my profession. Yet when social media is used to share our personal lives, we are likely to encounter our persona. As we curate our persona, amplified by the technology of social media, we are at risk of identifying with our creations. Evaluating our personal worth in relation to their reception, the likes and comments of our audience. This could severely limit our ability to develop a genuine sense of ourselves if the opinions of this audience are overly estimated. We could believe ourselves to be that ‘which oneself as well as others think one is’, carrying a distorted self-concept as a result.

    The antidote to such a risk is relatively simple in theory, that of respecting the evaluations of those who truly know and care for us above our reception on social media. Yet we are all social beings and our ability to be immune to the influence of online judgements may be limited. Studies have linked excessive social media use to lower measures of self-esteem and I suspect this to be related to taking on the whims and opinions of a superficial audience.

    Yet this risk does not negate the democratisation of performance and content creation. Throughout the world more and more people have the power to create media that can span the globe. Engaging in a mass conversation, sharing in who we are, who we think we are, and recording our lives in a giant theatre where tickets to our performances are virtually free.

    Community

    I must also acknowledge that social media is not only used for production and consumption of content. It can also be a source of community creation and engagement. Recently the pandemic catapulted the use of technology as the medium in which community was maintained. For most of us this was a lesson in how effectively communities could function online. In my experience this was a surprisingly effective development. Although I keenly felt the isolation of the restrictions, I also was able to partake in many rewarding social groups that comforted me with many of my social needs during that time.

    However, I did also feel the limitations imposed by the technology during these events. The primary one simply being the loss of touch. Handshakes and hugs, warm unmediated smiles are sorely missed when in short supply. My experience of online community remains a mixed picture of appreciation and frustration. Appreciation for the wonders of being able to share realties experiences with people from all over the world, with frustration at the distance that cannot be overcome through a screen.

    Living in the Matrix

    In this article I have suggested that the value in connections online are many. The technology provides a miraculous ability to access a global audience for our utility and pleasure. However, I believe that to gain the most from these connections we must recognise the limitations and defend ourselves against the dangers.

    Yet if we are able to successfully navigate this medium we open ourselves to a world of creative potential. We can look to the great artistry of the past for inspiration or just have fun with memes and idle posts. With care we may be able to adopt an exemplary use of the technology bestowed upon us to create and consume content of real value. With the best intention we may just be able to create a performance worthy of our audience.

    Finally, we may also be able to cultivate and enjoy access to a community that geography would otherwise prevent us from experiencing. As long as we don’t neglect our communities that geography does limit, we can be blessed with partaking in the family of humanity as never before in history.

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  • Friendship

    Friendship and Philosophy

    For many in today’s society friendships can be difficult to maintain. The challenges of work, family and intimate relationships can overshadow our commitments of friendship, yet Ancient Greek philosophy has great veneration for friendships, affirming our true friendships can be some of the most enduring and rewarding relationships of our lives.

    Aristotle, arguably the greatest Philosopher of Antiquity, while exploring friendship states in the Nicomachean Ethics,

    ‘It is those who desire the good of their friends for their friends’ sake that are most truly friends, because each loves the other for what he is, and not for any incidental quality.’

    In this article I will explore that statement from my personal perspective and including my observations of the modern world, seeking to discover if its message still applies over two millennia later.

    Loving Friends for Their Sake

    In the first part of the statement above Aristotle is pointing to a virtue that defines the essence of true friendship, a genuine desire to see a friend prosper and prosper for their own sake. In contemplating this statement, I feel there is a virtue that reminds me of the loving quality that a parent may feel toward their child, wanting the best of life for their offspring and taking a pride in sharing their successes. For the loving parent their sacrifices are rewarded with the joy of seeing the object of their devotion blossom.

    Yet, in friendship too this loving quality can be felt and in some ways is more admirable when blood is not the binding tie but affection. These thoughts point to the true meaning of familiarity that can be realised within a close friendship, the feeling of family, familial affection toward another. This feeling and the general celebration of a friend are, for Aristotle, indications for true friendship.

    Seeing the Virtue of a Friends Character

    In the second part of the statement Aristotle is pointing to what is loved in a true friend – what he is, and not an ‘incidental’ quality. Knowing a person’s character, knowing who a person is inevitably takes time and a mutual investment of this precious resource. Later in the Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle states that one of the defining features of a true friendship is time spent together.

    It can often seem in our modern lives that friendship can appear demanding upon time. The multiple demands upon our schedule may limit the time we spend in person. As our lives evolve, we can quickly find that an intention to call a friend has gone unrealised for months, even years. We may tell ourselves we are in contact by substituting the intimacy of quality time together with modern technologies such as social media posts, or in former days, birthday cards. Yet these methods may offer ease of communication while being evidence of our reduced investment.

    Also, these technologies may expose us to a veneer of our friend’s lives perverting a genuine knowledge of their felt experiences. Insidiously, our perception of these curated images may arouse insecurity, if through our awareness of our own imperfections and disappointments, we find ourselves negatively comparing our lives with these displays. Subtle feelings of resentment may penetrate our mind and we begin to judge others, ridiculing their sense of style, scouring their faces and bodies for evidence of aging, or even grosser defects, if only secretly. Yet we are judging superficial qualities of beauty or ugliness, success or failure, that may or may not be affording the possessors of these qualities with happiness or be providing evidence of their virtue. We are attending to these friendships for their ‘incidental qualities’ as opposed to who these people are within themselves.

    Aristotle is stating that true friendship comes with a deeper knowing and relationship than many technologies can offer, a deep understanding of another person as they are, empathy for their needs and desires, an insight into their nature. For these qualities to be observed and cultivated time is required, time to share ourselves and develop a familiarity with each other.

    Invest in Those Who Deserve You

    In my reading, Aristotle is urging us to value our friends in knowing who our true friends are. Celebrating their virtue and delighting in the good character that we have taken the effort to become familiar with. Yet he acknowledges the reality that friendships require time and investment to deepen.

    However, when offered to people who we have come to decern as our true friends our investments can pay a handsome return for your friends, as well as yourself.

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